I’m not a fan of Jonathan Ross. Never have been. His self-serving form of "chat show" leaves me searching for the remote under the sofa, and frankly I am amazed that so many talented, important people allow themselves to play second fiddle to his smug monologues, even if they do have a new book, film, or show to promote. So the news that he is to leave the BBC was quite welcome earlier this week.
But the joy was short lived! Inevitably, the speculation starts as to who should replace him (nobody seems to be asking the question as to whether he should be replaced at all).
Yahoo! has been conducting an online poll of the possibilities and, while it is by no means official, it is probably a decent indication of where the BBC’s heads are. And so we are faced with a preposterous list of:
- ex-edgy, now-establishment old hands – Graham Norton, Chris Evans (been there done that)
- recent retirees – Terry Wogan, Paul O’Grady (what’s the point of even asking?)
- talentless no-hopers – Fern Britton, Ian Wright, Justin Lee Collins (who are these people sleeping with?)
- just plain irritating gits – Lily Allen, Alan Carr, Simon Amstell (3 good reasons never to go to a showbiz party), and
- Ross-esque, self-serving, one-joke arseholes – Michael McIntyre, Russel Brand, Ricky Gervais (seriously overstaying their 15 minutes of fame)
Trust me, if Michael McIntyre (the current leader) gets the gig I will trade in my telly and become a hermit. The man appears to find himself extraordinarily funny, and conveys this to the rest of us through a series of high-volumed, high-pitched squeals which appeal, perhaps, to dolphins. And the only excuse I can find for all that "talk to the hand girlfriend" style head wiggling, as he struts back and forth on stage, is to make it a slightly harder target for the sniper at the back of the cheap seats.
Dear BBC – please, please, please, please, please put on repeats of Howard’s Way instead.
PS – Those paying attention might note that I missed Harry Hill off the above list of Yahoo! candidates. That’s because I quite like Harry Hill, in the same sort of guilty way that I’ve always rather faniced Patsy Kensit, but would never admit it in public. Anyway, Harry is fun at what he does, but he ain’t no chat show host.
Or is he?
There’s only one way to decide …… FIGHT!